Keith Balmer: The Bachelor Guy

Down The Lonely Dark Road Of Addiction

            (editor's note: I originally wrote this back in August.)

It was 2:30 pm on a ridiculously hot Saturday two weeks ago. I logged onto my computer and was greeted with the news that Amy Winehouse, the British soul singer whose bluesy voice and boozy life made her both famous and infamous, was found dead in her London home. She was only 27.

Damn. I hate it when the demons win. 

I wasn’t shocked that she died. Anybody who followed the trainwreck soap opera that was Amy Winehouse knew that girl was living on borrowed time. But the news of her demise was heartbreaking nonetheless. A mother and a father just lost a daughter. And the world just lost a voice so beautiful, and so filled with anguish that you can easily imagine her crying in the studio while she recorded her songs.

Let her cry, if the tears fall down like rain/Let her sing, if it eases all her pain - Hootie and the Blowfish

And let’s be honest. Most of what passes for popular music in today’s world is utter garbage. Our musical landscape is a wasteland populated by autotuned pop starlets, fake gangsta rappers, and castaways from American Idol.

Not a whole lot to get excited over.

And along comes a beehived white girl from London singing like a modern-day Etta James, over a jazz-flavored hip-hop beat, all the while looking like the fourth member of the Ronettes. She was a critical and commercial success. And like Kurt Cobain, Janis Joplin, Jimi Hendrix, and Jim Morrison before her (the famed 27 Club), she died while her musical story was still in its infancy.

I guess I needed to know how other people felt about her passing. So I decided to check out what people were saying on the message boards.

Good Lord! Why on Earth did I do that?

After about 10 minutes of tasteless jokes and people passing judgment, I had had enough. Even in the event of tragedy people on the internet still find a way to expose their inner tool. I got so pissed at all those perfect little people who live perfect little lives casting stones.

Where was the empathy? Where was the compassion? Miller Williams wrote a poem about compassion that I wish people would not just read, but would allow the words to soak through their skin and settle into their souls.

Have compassion for everyone you meet

even if they don’t want it. What seems conceit

bad manners, or cynicism is always a sign

of things no ears have heard, no eyes have seen

you do not know what wars are going on

down there where the spirit meets the bone

There were numerous wars going on inside Amy Winehouse. On one hand she was a musical genius. But on the other hand she was an addict, addicted to crack cocaine and alcohol. People who suffer from addiction drive their friends and families down a road that leads straight to hell. 

And there is no worse feeling than standing helplessly ashore, while the person you love drowns in the murky waters of addiction.

I should know. I’ve seen it firsthand.

I have two fathers. One is named Sam. He adopted me when I was a wayward 19-year-old. He died last year, but not before instilling an understanding of what it meant to be a responsible adult.

My biological dad is named Melvin. Our relationship is complex. I wasn't raised by him. My biological mom raised me as a single parent. My biological dad lived in Richmond, and I lived in North Carolina. He married a woman named Freida and he lived with their three kids. He was by all means a responsible adult. He worked hard, he paid the bills, and he provided for his family.

Every summer I would stay a couple of weeks with my dad, my stepmom, and my stepsisters. We were the black Brady Bunch. And my childhood with them was one that was filled with a lot of great memories.

But after 12 years of marriage something happened. My dad met a guy named David who at the time was dating my dad’s sister-in-law Pam. And David was my dad’s exact opposite: unemployed, immature, and reckless.

David would drink, do drugs, and get into vicious fights with my Aunt Pam. He could be charming one minute and a sociopath the next. To this day I don’t know what it was my dad saw in David, but whatever he saw, he liked. He and David soon became inseparable. Although my dad always used to hang out on the weekends, this was different. All of a sudden my dad was hanging out a lot more than usual, and with some really suspicious people. And his personality changed. He became more combative towards my stepmom and more neglectful of his kids. And my dad’s old friends, guys he had been cool with for years, began dropping like flies.

Then came the breakup.

A child will never forget when his parents divorce. For me it was April 1994. I was visiting my dad and my stepmom during my high school Easter break. Me and my stepmom had just left the house. After about a couple of blocks, she pulled the car over and laid a bombshell on me.

“Keith, there’s something I have to tell you. Me and your dad are getting a divorce.”

I was stunned. I had just turned 18 and I had already decided that I was going to move to Richmond after I graduated from high school. And I was going to move in with my dad and my stepmom (whom I adored).

“But … why?”

“It’s hard to explain … but your father has changed. He’s no longer the man I married. I don’t know who he is … I’ve asked him to move out. I’m sorry … I know this is hard for you.”

I nodded. And then I quickly turned my head and looked out the window. I didn’t want my stepmom to see me cry.

What exactly happened to my dad?

I moved in with him a couple of years later and got a bird’s-eye view of his downfall. We lived in Mosby Court, a rough housing project about a mile east of downtown. When I was younger my dad was always a clean-cut, clean-shaven guy who took pride in his appearance. But now he looked a mess. His hair was never combed and his clothes were all raggedy.

When I was a kid I liked all of my dad’s friends. But now, he only hung out with people who looked like they belonged in a police lineup.

And dad was hardly ever sober. I never knew exactly what he was doing because he never brought it around me, but I ain’t stupid. I knew he was doing something!

I would ask him, "Hey man. Are you alright?" And his answer was always the same: "Yes!"

He was hardly at home. He stayed gone. We would often argue and his behavior was erratic. One night at around 3 o'clock in the morning, he fell asleep while frying some chicken. The force of my coughing woke me up. And that's when I noticed the smoke. I dashed towards the kitchen banging my foot against everything because I barely see where I was going. I turned off the stove and threw away the food. Then I opened every window in the apartment. That's when I noticed my dad asleep on the couch. And all I could think was "how in the world can anybody sleep through all of this?" If I hadn't been there he literally could have died.

I woke him up and told him what happened. And the first thing he did was yell at me for throwing away the chicken.

And dad kept getting into trouble with the police. I will never forget the Sunday morning I picked him up from the city jail. He walked out and I barely recognized him. He had lost his wife, his job, and his self-respect. He had hit rock bottom. The metamorphosis was complete. Bruce Banner had turned into the Incredible Addict.

It was around this time that I met Sam, who was a coworker of mine at the library I worked part-time at. He would later introduce me to his wife Brenda (who later became my adopted mom), and his little daughter Samone (who later became my adopted sister). Like every kid who grew up in a single parent home, I fantasized about how cool it would be to live in a two-parent household. And I would find that two-parent household, not with Melvin and Frieda, but with Sam and Brenda.

Life is funny that way.

A few months after meeting Sam’s extended family, one of my dad’s “friends” stole my entire CD collection while my dad slept in the next room.

That was the last straw. I moved in with Sam and his family shortly after that.

After I left, my biological dad still couldn't keep it together. My stepsister Nicole told me that she had heard about how far our dad had fallen. So she and my stepmom went over to his apartment unannounced.

This is what she told me:

“When I looked into dad’s eyes that day I knew. And then I looked around and the apartment was a mess. And I just started crying, and crying, and crying. And the sight of me crying hit him hard. He looked at me and he apologized. He kept saying I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’ll do better. I’ll do better.”

Me and Nicole had that conversation in 1996. It’s 15 years later, and my dad is still trying to do better.

Addiction occurs when you need more of a drug to get you high and you suffer withdrawal symptoms when the drug level in your body drops. Addiction causes a change in the brain. When that change occurs, you lose control over your urges. You lose control over your behavior. And not only do you change mentally, but in most cases, you change physically as well.

Here in America millions of people are coping with addiction. And the number of different things we are addicted to is astounding: sedatives (alcohol, Quaaludes, valium), stimulants (ecstasy, cocaine, crystal meth), narcotics (heroin, oxycontin, vicodin), psychedelics (LSD, PCP), antidepressants (Prozac, Zoloft), hydrocarbons (inhalants, nitrates), anesthetics, and steroids.

And addiction is even worse for young adults. Statistics show the younger you are when using drugs, the greater chance you have at becoming addicted. If a teen uses alcohol regularly at age 13, there’s a 43 percent chance he or she will become an alcoholic. By comparison, there’s only a 10 percent chance for those who start at age 21. When teens use drugs and/or alcohol, their still-growing brain confuses these substances with the natural neurotransmitters that influences our mood, our sleep, and our appetite.

Not to make excuses, but being a teenager today is no walk in the park. I don’t miss being a teenager one bit. The peer pressure was off the charts. And I remember being in a constant state of confusion, anxiety, and depression.

And I remembered being offered drugs, a lot.

And because I tend to look at everything through pop-culture lenses, I decided to check out how many celebrities have died as a result of their addiction to drugs and/or alcohol. The list was staggering. Here are some of the more famous names (excluding the members of the 27 Club since I already mentioned them): John Belushi, Lenny Bruce, Richard Burton, Truman Capote, Dorothy Dandridge, DJ AM, Chris Farley, Judy Garland, Billie Holiday, Michael Hutchence, Michael Jackson, Heath Ledger, Bruce Lee, Gerald Levert, Frankie Lymon, Anna Nicole Smith, Marilyn Monroe, Brittany Murphy, River Phoenix, Elvis Presley, movie producer Don Simpson, and Ike Turner.

Yes. A drug addiction can kill you. But addictions aren’t just limited to drugs. We're also addicted to gambling, sex, pornography, people, love, food, work, and computer and video games.

But how do you know if someone has fallen prey to addiction? What are the warning signs?

I can tell you from experience, those warning signs aren’t hard to notice. All you have to do is pay attention.

Does your friend or loved one:

Turn up late for functions or dates?

No longer follow through on his or her commitments?

Appears to be sick often?

Has problems at work?

Withdraws from friends and family?

Has unexplained absences in his or her schedule?

Has new “friends” whom you’ve never met?

Has lapses of concentration or memory?

Stays out late frequently and sleeps in more during the day?

Appears surprisingly secretive about specific aspects of his or her life?

If you answered yes to more than one of these questions, then it might be time to confront this person. But if you’re going to confront them, don’t half-ass it. Be firm and direct. Expect them to get angry. And expect denial. And be prepared to be empathetic – make a sustained effort to understand what it’s like to feel so out-of-control, so miserable, so lonely, so frustrated, and so tormented by the past that alcohol and drugs are the only reliable ways to feel good.

When it comes to addiction, here are two things I believe: Number one, I believe addiction is a disease. That’s why reading those comments about Amy Winehouse made me so upset. A lot of people played the “personal responsibility” card. They said she could’ve stopped at any time if she really wanted to.

Not true. Addicts can’t stop any time they want to. Addictions are like diseases of the brain because they control what you think and they control how you feel. And because most addicts don’t think they’re addicts, they can't muster up the strength to walk away on their own.

And number two, 12 step programs don’t work for everyone. The percentage of successful recoveries is modest. According to a survey from Alcoholics Anonymous, nine out of 10 people drop out within the first year.

Quitting is HARD. And it takes baby steps. We all know of family members and friends who have overcome addiction. These people live “one day at a time.” And each day represents yet another step towards recovery.

My dad left Richmond several years ago and now lives back in my tiny hometown with my grandmother. That's the good news. The bad news is that he's not exactly in recovery. It’s shocking how different he now looks. After years of putting poison into his body, his hair is now completely white (he's in his early fifties). And he’s missing some of his teeth. And to add insult to injury, his addiction to alcohol appears to be worse than ever. We often get into arguments when I’m home because he wants me to drive him around town so he can get his drink on, so he can "waste away in Margaritaville" at seven o’clock in the damn morning!

A couple of years ago he nearly died from a brain aneurysm. He was hospitalized for four months. I looked at him in his hospital bed and I wondered if his near-death experience would be enough to make him quit drinking.

It wasn’t.

My biological mom tells me to pray for him. But I’ve been praying for him for 17 years. And I think I’m done. I’m waving the white flag. I’m tired.

On the Saturday I learned of Amy Winehouse’s death, I set my ipod to my “Somber Station”, which is a playlist of melancholy songs. The first song my ipod played was Angel by Sarah McLachlan. How appropriate. That song, which is the most haunting song I’ve ever heard, was inspired by the fatal overdose of Smashing Pumpkins keyboardist Jonathan Melvoin. The “angel” symbolizes the drugs the addict gives in to repeatedly. The first time I heard this song I immediately thought of my dad. Now when I hear it, I think of Amy Winehouse.

To all of the addicts out there who are reading this, to all of the addicts who are “in the arms of the angel,” may you find the help you so desperately need.

Your family and friends are rooting for you.

 

America Is A Dumb Country

This is my collection of bizarre facts and mini-rants that I’ve written down over the past few months. They will make make you mad, make you sad, and they will definitely make you laugh. 

Read on

1. 24 percent of Americans can’t name the country we fought in the Revolutionary War. (???????)

2. Two-thirds of Americans don’t know what’s in Roe vs. Wade (Helloooo? It starts with an "A" and rhymes with extortion.)

3. Half of all Americans don’t know how many U.S. Senators each state has. (FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, IT'S TWO PEOPLE! TWO!!!)

4. 29 percent of Americans don’t know who the Vice President is. (How is this even possible???)

5. 40 percent of Americans don’t know the three branches of our federal government. (It's Judicial, Legislative, and Executive. If you're going to compain about our federal government, you should at least know who you're complaining about!)

6. 58 percent don’t know who the Taliban is, even though our soldiers have been fighting and dying in Afghanistan for TEN FUCKING YEARS!

7. 18 percent of Americans think the sun revolves around the Earth! (WHAT THE HELL???)

8. On the eve of the Iraq War, 69 percent of Americans thought Saddam Hussein was responsible for the attacks on 9/11. Eight years later, 34 percent STILL BELIEVE THIS SHIT!!!

9. Harold Camping, a 90-year old phony preacher with a ministry worth 80 million dollars, convinced a bunch of intellectually-challenged people that the world was going to end on May 21st at 6pm. His followers spent months warning the world that the rapture was coming. They gave away their earthly belongings and drained their savings accounts. That day came, and it went, and no rapture. I viciously mocked these people. On May 21st at 7pm I posted this to my twitter account: "I'm cracking rapture jokes like there's no tomorrow!"

10. Millions of people watch reality TV. This amazes me. I HATE REALITY TV. I hate every one of those damn Basketball Wives, I hate the Real Housewives, I hate the Duggars, I hate Kate Gosselin. I hate The Apprentice. I hate the Bachelor. I hate the Bachelorette. I hate all of them. I don't give a flying fuck about these people. This is trainwreck TV at its worst. I love great scripted television (i.e. Friday Night Lights, Mad Men, Breaking Bad, Parks and Recreation, Modern Family). But I cannot stand reality TV. I think Miami Herald columnist Leonard Pitts summed it up perfectly in a recent column when he said: “There is something predatory in searching out these troubled people, these drunks and narcissists, these self-centered, superficial plastic surgery junkies, these screechers and whiners and perpetual adolescents with daddy, esteem, or anger management issues, and pay them to let us watch them implode.”

11. Speaking of reality TV, chew on this: Americans have turned Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino and Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi of Jersey Shore into millionaires. I rest my case.

                                              Looks like we got ourselves a "situation!"

In a related story, "The Situation" has inspired me to change my name. From now on, I will only answer to Keith "The Extenuating Circumstance" Balmer.

12. But wait, there's more! America has turned Kim Kardashian, an incredibly boring, incredibly spoiled woman with zero talent, and whose only claim to fame was a sextape, into one of the most talked about women in the country. The media made this big deal out of her stupid wedding to NBA "star" Kris Humphries. One of the announcers on Good Morning America went so far as to call her wedding "America's Royal Wedding".

America's Royal Wedding?

More like America's Royal-Pain-In-The-Ass Wedding!

Seventy two days later this phony celebrity ended her phony marriage, but not before she collected a cool $17 million.

I'm getting angry just thinking about this. Let's just move on.

13. The average American watches seven hours of TV a day!

14. According to a 2006 study, young people aged 15-24 spend on average 7 minutes a day reading. You know what this means? It means the only "book" young people have any interest in reading is Facebook!

15. Last year, more than 40 percent of Americans under 44 did not read a single book.

16. According to a study from Oxygen Media, 25% of women would rather win America’s Next Top Model than win a Nobel Prize.

17. Our economy may be in the toilet, but America is the worldwide leader in vampire-related products! (USA! USA! USA!).

18. According to a 2006 survey by National Geographic-Roper, nearly half of Americans between ages 18 and 24 do not think it's necessary to know the location of countries in which important news is being made.

19. More than a third of Americans consider it “not at all important” to know a foreign language.

20. 49 percent of Americans don’t know what country dropped the atom bomb.

21. In 2003, the Strategic Task Force on Education Abroad investigated Americans' knowledge of world affairs. The task force concluded: "America's ignorance of the outside world is so great as to constitute a threat to national security."

22. I have a sneaky suspicion that the people who put "Support The Troops" bumper stickers on their cars are the same people who can't find Iraq and Afghanistan on a map.

23. Speaking of war, isn’t it ironic that war is the only thing America is still any good at? The rest of the world has passed us in every single category. But when it comes to dropping bombs on brown-skinned people to get our hands on their oil, America is still number one. (USA! USA! USA!)

24. We live in a country that blames teachers for our failing students. Are there bad teachers out there? Absolutely. But they're the minority, not the majority. Blaming teachers because our schools are failing is like blaming the fire department because your house caught on fire. The problem is not teachers, the problem is poverty. Our kids are failing because our communities are failing.

25. I hate people who say “I’m not a racist but …”. If someone says this to you, brace yourself, because you’re about to hear some of the most racist shit imaginable. And also, I hate racist people. Hey racist, your car is Japanese. Your beer is German. Your wine is Spanish. Your democracy is Greek. Your coffee is Colombian. Your tea is Chinese. Your watch is Swiss. Your fashion is French. Your shirt is Indian. Your shoes are Thai. Your radio is Korean. And your vodka is Russian. SO SIT DOWN AND SHUT YOUR UGLY RACIST MOUTH!

26. I hate grown men who wear their pants hanging off their ass. It's the dumbest fashion trend of all-time. Nothing says "I don't have a job and I lack the motivation to get one" more than the grown ass man walking down the street with his pants hanging down to his knees.

27. I hate gossipy teenaged girls who sit behind me at the movie theatre and talk throughout the whole movie.The next time this happens I'm going to pass them a note that says "Would you and your BFF please shut the hell up? OMG! You two are like, sooooo annoying!"

28. Speaking of terrible movie theatre etiquette, if you can’t find a babysitter, KEEP YOUR ASS AT HOME! I don’t want to pay $20 for a movie ticket and popcorn just so I can experience what a crying baby sounds like in surround sound. And plus, your crying baby is making it hard to hear what those teenage girls are gossiping about!

29. I hate radio stations that play the same 10 songs over, and over, and over, and over! I swear, if I hear one more Katy Perry song I am going to jump in front of a bus!

30. I hate MTV. Once upon a time, I loved it. They played videos, they aired interesting, socially-conscious programming that tackled tough topics like AIDS, poverty, and racism. Hell, the first three seasons of The Real World were awesome. But now, MTV is a steaming pile of cow manure that has given birth to horrific shows like Sixteen and Pregnant, and My Sweet Sixteen. And the VMAs, once the coolest award show of the year, is now a crass piece of garbage.

31. I hate the word “nigger”. Thirty years ago Richard Pryor famously gave up saying the n-word. And I've reached that point in my life as well. I hate that black people have turned an ugly insult into a term of endearment. I can’t think of another group of people who greet each other with a derogatory word. I have gay friends and I have never heard them greet each other by saying “What up my faggot?” 

32. I hate BET. Judging by the number of scantily-clad women they show in all the hip hop videos, I’m guessing the “B” in BET stands for “Bootylicious.” Good old BET, an unwatchable network that inspires young black men to be rappers, and young black women to be video hos.

33. I hate that being born black in America means I was born a suspect. Years ago Chris Rock nailed it when he said: "If you're black, America is like the uncle who paid for you to go to college, but molested you."

34. I hate that our government has spent more time investigating the cheats and abusers in baseball than the cheats and abusers on Wall Street.

35. I hate Toddlers and Tiaras. I think that everybody involved with that show should be arrested for child abuse.

36. I hate that college football and college basketball players aren’t paid. The NCAA, the power conferences (the SEC, ACC, Big Ten, Pac 10, etc), and the colleges themselves make billions of dollars from the only acceptable form of free labor in America: student athletes. Actually, there’s no such thing as a “student athlete” because most of these kids aren’t there for an education. That’s why their graduation rates are in the toilet. The NCAA can sell video games with a player’s likeness, and the schools can sell jerseys with the player’s number on it, and yet that athlete won’t get a single penny.  And that’s not right!

37. I hate that instead of teaching our kids about safe sex, we teach them abstinence. If you teach your kids to practice abstinence, if you tell them to wait until they're married before they have sex, trust me, they will wait . . . until you leave them home alone for the weekend.

38. I hate people who say “guns don’t kill people, people kill people.” That makes no sense whatsoever! That’s like me saying “I didn’t rape that girl, my penis did!”

39. I hate that Republicans have declared war on a woman’s body. Over 200 anti-woman bills have been proposed by Republicans in DC and by Republicans in various states across this country in this year alone! Ladies, it’s D-Day, and your vagina is Normandy. I find it hilarious that the same politicians who desperately want control over a woman’s body, are the same losers who couldn’t get laid if their lives depended on it.

40. I hate the driving directions from Google Maps. They annoy the hell out of me. You know what Google Maps? You can skip the first five directions. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my own neighborhood!

41. I hate that the middle class is disappearing faster than a white woman in Aruba.

42. I hate that women are so damn confusing. To date a woman is to engage in psychological warfare. And men are ill-equipped to do battle. We are stronger, but women are smarter. Show me a man who thinks he knows what a woman is thinking and I’ll show you a man who knows nothing. But, to be honest, I am eternally grateful. Because if it wasn't for women, we men would never know that we do EVERYTHING WRONG!

43. I can’t stand Tyler Perry’s movies. They all have the same plot. A black woman has a no-good man who cheats and beats on her. Then outta nowhere, a perfect guy falls from the sky. She has a come-to-Jesus moment, joins a church, and lives happily everafter. EVERY MOVIE IS THE SAME! And the acting is so over the top. And also, his tv "comedies" are painful to watch. I laugh more at the evening news than I do Tyler Perry's Meet The Browns!

44. I don’t understand people who spend days waiting in line for concert tickets, movie tickets, and the release of some shiny new gadget. It just seems like a big waste of time. Seriously, if you spent three days waiting in line for the new iPad, you’re an iFool.

45. I hate people who ask to borrow money from me AND THE SON OF A BITCHES HAVEN’T PAID ME BACK FROM THE LAST TIME THEY BORROWED MONEY FROM ME!

46. Just once when I call tech support I want the recording to say “to speak to someone NOT in Mumbai, press 2.”

47. I hate that in this country, it’s easier for a sick person to get a gun than it is for a sick person to get health insurance.

48. I hate that marijuana is illegal. C'mon America. Didn't we learn anything from the prohibition of alcohol? Legalize and tax it so that we can open up a new revenue stream, and so that we can stop putting more people in our already overcrowded prisons. Let me be, ahem, blunt with you. Marijuana is your friend. It'll pick you up when you're feeling down. And if you guys are wondering why it took me six years to finish college, it's because I got high, because I got high, because I got hiiiiiigh!

49. I can't believe I live in a country with people who were more than willing to vote for Donald Trump and Herman Cain for President! Really? Donald Trump? The guy who declared bankruptcy three times? How was he going to put people back to work? By turning the White House into a casino?

And people were serious about Herman Cain? Really? The pizza tycoon/serial cheater with no political experience? The guy who didn't know China had nuclear weapons? The guy with the tax plan inspired by The Sims computer game? The guy who quoted Pokemon in his campaign speeches? Really? You were going to vote for THAT GUY?!? 

50. And finally, the people in this video scare me to death! These stupid people are going to procreate and one day have a bunch of stupid children (if they haven't already).

People who are this moronic should not be allowed to vote.

 

The Dark Side Of Facebook

"People want to go online and check out their friends, so why not build a website that offers that? Friends, pictures, profiles, whatever you can visit, browse around, maybe it's someone you just met at a party. Eduardo, I'm not talking about a dating site, I'm talking about taking the entire social experience of college and putting it online." - Mark Zuckerberg (Jesse Eisenberg) in The Social Network

If you were to ask me what is the biggest success story of the 2000s, I would say Facebook. What Mark Zuckerberg has created is nothing short of a global phenomenon. It is by far, the most popular social networking site on the planet. Facebook has 135 million unique visitors a month. 600 million people have Facebook accounts, and that number includes a whopping 41% of Americans.

If you're not on it, the response you'll get from family, friends, and coworkers is, "Really? Why not?"

It's where people go to find out who is pregnant, who is getting married, who is getting a divorce, who is graduating, who just bought a new car, who just bought a new house, who is going to the club, who is going to work, who is going to church, who is going on vacation, who just got back from vacation, who wants to go on vacation, who is joining a gym, who is trying out a new diet, who is giving up on their diet because chocolate cake is awesome, who has a doctor's appointment, who hates their teacher, who hates Obama, who hates their job, who is looking for a new job, who is looking for a new love, and on, and on, and on . . .

"You called me a bitch on the internet, Mark. On the internet. As if every thought that tumbles through your head was so clever it would be a crime for it not to be shared. The Internet's not written in pencil, Mark, it's written in ink. And you published that Erica Albright was a bitch, right before you made some ignorant crack about my family's name, my bra size, and then rated women based on their hotness."  - Erica Albright (Rooney Mara)

"Keith, sign up with Facebook. It's cool. You'll hook up with people you haven't seen in years."

"Ok. I'll try it out."

Four years ago, my cousin Rufus sold me on the idea of Facebook. In the beginning, I liked it a lot. I received friend requests from people I hadn't seen or heard from since 1994 (the year I graduated high school).

I was like, "OH! That's Carla. She's married! And WOW! She has A LOT of kids!"

"And there's Peanut. She is still so tiny. And, ummm, ok. She does NOT like to be called Peanut anymore!"

"And is that Tammy? I didn't recognize her without the braces and those funny-looking glasses. She looks GOOD!"

"And is this a friend request from Darnell? I thought he was in jail?"

It was exhilarating.

But then after friending these people, I slowly came to the realization that I have absolutely nothing in common with them. It disappointed me, which was odd because why would I expect to have anything in common with these people.

These people are married. I'm not. These people have kids. I don't. These people share their personal business. I won't. 

Being on Facebook is like being at a high school reunion that never ever ends.

And I HATED high school.

"We lived on farms, then we lived in cities, and now we're going to live on the internet!" - Sean Parker (Justin Timberlake)

What is it about Facebook that gets under my skin?

I'm glad you asked.

Here's a list of the things I absolutely hate about Facebook.  

1. "Poking." Number one, why would Facebook create "poking"? And number two, why would anybody "poke" someone else? I hate logging on and seeing that somebody has "poked" me.

It serves no purpose, it's annoying as hell, and I'm getting angry just thinking about it!

2. People who say things on Facebook that they aren't man enough (or woman enough) to say to somebody's face. These people have a little something I like to call, "internet courage." You also see this on Twitter and on various message boards. Hey tough guy, if you wanna say bitchy things about somebody at your job, or at your school, as they say in those Bud Light commercials, "MAN UP!" and say it to that person's face!

3. Chats. I hate instant messaging. I really do. If I wanted to have a conversation with you, I would pick up a phone and call you. Now could you please stop chatting with me? A cute girl from high school just "poked" me and I'm trying to enjoy the moment! 

4. Overeager frienders. I went to the profile page of a friend of mine and was astonished to know she has over 1200 "friends." She is literally "friending" everybody she meets!

If you're adding random strangers to your list of friends so you can appear to be more popular than you really are, then guess what? You're not popular. You're pathetic.

5. Crazy stalker people. This goes out to the people who spend an unnerving amount of time on other people's profile pages, memorizing all the banal drivel that they read. For instance, if I'm out on a date with you and out of the blue you say, "Guess what Keith? My favorite team is the Yankees, my favorite rapper is Biggie Smalls, and I LOVE watching reruns of Scrubs! Isn't that ironic?"

No. That's not ironic. That is creepy.

Now, if you will excuse me, I need to use the restroom (and hopefully there's a window in there so I can crawl out of it!). 

6. People who update their status every 10 minutes. We all know people who fit into this category, people who think that every thought that pops in their head needs to be shared.

If you're one of these people who post 35 times a day on your Facebook page, here's an idea:

TURN OFF THE DAMN COMPUTER AND TRY HAVING AN ACTUAL CONVERSATION WITH A HUMAN BEING!

7. There is a "like" button, but there's no "hate" button. For instance, a friend of mine said this a couple of years ago about Sarah Palin:

"I would love for Sarah Palin to be president. She reminds me so much of me."

When I saw this comment, I became angry. I didn't want to "like" her comment. I wanted to "hate" her comment. But because I couldn't, I was forced to come up with this:

"Honey, Sarah Palin can't name one magazine she reads. Can't name any Supreme Court cases other than Roe vs. Wade. She thinks the Vice-President is in charge of the Senate. She thinks being governor of Alaska counts as foreign policy experience. And she thought Africa was a country. She has proven herself to be a total moron. And if she reminds you of you, then what does that say about you?"

8. Political discussions. There is not a more spectacular waste of time, than engaging in a political discussion on Facebook.

Why?

Because most people don't know a damn thing about politics. But they like to think that they do. And on Facebook, everybody wants to appear smarter than they really are. So what do they do? They repeat talking points they heard from somebody else. Or they make shit up. Or, when that doesn't work, they resort to insults and name-calling. 

If you want intelligent political discussions, I suggest you go somewhere other than Facebook!

In fact, I remember the day I cracked this joke:

"George Bush was such an inspirational president, he inspired 70 million Americans to vote for a black guy with a Muslim name."

Dear Lord, why did I say that?

I had random "friends" who didn't even know each other, arguing back and forth. They left over 50 comments on my page! And worst of all was when my very black, very liberal aunt began arguing with my very white, very conservative buddy. It was HORRIFYING!

Let's just say I learned my lesson.

9. Children on Facebook. Facebook says that no one under 13 can have an account. Sorry Zuckerberg, but that ain't true.

My 7 year old nephew has a Facebook page.

Facebook is NOT for children. Giving your child their own account and leaving them unsupervised is just plain stupid. And dangerous. A kid might come home one day from school and post this to his or her account:

"No one's home but me." 

You NEVER EVER wanna see a kid post that to his or her account!

10. Relationship Status. Facebook is used as a way of telling friends what's going on in your love life. If a person breaks up with somebody, and changes their status from "in a relationship", to "single", I get a notification.

Why would I care if someone I have no real relationship with is single? That's information I could do without.

If Facebook really wanted to make things interesting, they should allow users to write their own relationship status. For example, I would type this:

"NONE OF YOUR DAMN BUSINESS!"

Or . . .

"Married, But Only When My Wife's In Town!"

Or . . .

"Sometimes I'm Single, Sometimes It's Really Fucking Complicated!"

And to the douchebags who break up with their girlfriends on Facebook:  If you aren't mature enough to look her in the eyes and tell her it's over, you were never mature enough to be with her in the first place!

11. "Tagging". People "tag" me in their photos all the time. And I absolutely hate it. Why? Because they NEVER ask for my permission. So when I log in, the very first thing I see is a picture of me drunk off my ass at some bar.

This new phenomenon has totally affected how I behave when I go out. Now when I go to a bar, I avoid taking pictures because I don't want them to end up on Facebook.

When my friends pull out their camera phones and go all TMZ on my ass, I turn into Lindsay Lohan:

"PLEASE! NO PICTURES! NO PICTURES!" 

12. People who constantly take pictures of themselves standing in front of a bathroom mirror. I can describe how this makes me feel with just one three-letter word:

UGH!

"I think if your clients want to sit on my shoulders and call themselves tall, they have the right to give it a try - but there's no requirement that I enjoy sitting here listening to people lie. You have part of my attention - you have the minimum amount. The rest of my attention is back at the offices of Facebook, where my colleagues and I are doing things that no one in this room, including and especially your clients, are intellectually or creatively capable of doing . . . . Did I adequately answer your condescending question?" - Mark Zuckerberg (Jesse Eisenberg)

When I think of Facebook, my first thought isn't "cool social media site." My first thought is 1984, the famous George Orwell novel. In 1984, Big Brother is the name given to the mysterious dictator who controls the totalitarian state with an iron fist. Everyone is under surveillance and they are constantly reminded of this by the phrase "BIG BROTHER IS WATCHING YOU!"

And I'm also reminded of a scene near the end of The Dark Knight. In order to find the Joker, Batman uses a signal tracking device which allows him to spy on every citizen in Gotham. He looks at one big-ass TV screen and he can see what everybody is saying, . . . and doing.

How is Facebook any different? It's not. People have said this before, and I believe it to be true:

Facebook is the new Big Brother.

       Zuckerberg wants your personal info and he wants it NOW!

Facebook has cloaked itself as "social media", when in reality, it's a highly sophisticated data mining operation, collecting everything they can from their members: from who their friends are, where they shop, what's their religious background, what's their political beliefs, etc, etc, etc, ....

Trust me, there is nothing more Orwellian than getting people to voluntarily report on themselves, their friends, their activities, and their thoughts.

And Facebook doesn't offer real privacy, only the illusion of real privacy. For example, all the items you "like" must become public and linked to public profile pages. If you don't want them linked and made public, Facebook says, "OK. But we'll still allow advertisers to target you based on what you "like."

Recently, Facebook announced that they will give third-party developers and external websites the ability to access users' home addresses and cellphone numbers, even in the face of criticism from privacy experts, users, and members of Congress.

Privacy experts warn that users personal information could be targeted by spam, scams, and identity thieves. Malicious and rogue apps spreading phising scams are not uncommon on the social network. Number one, scammers can impersonate you if they have your phone number. Number two, people never thought when they were posting their personal information that it would be accessible to anyone but friends.

This is why people should NEVER put their personal information on Facebook. If your home address and cellphone number is on Facebook, TAKE IT OFF NOW!

For your address, enter this: 1601 S. California Ave: Palo Alto, CA 94304. And for your phone number simply enter: (650) 853-1300.

This is the home address and phone number for Facebook.

And you can't be mad at Facebook for making money off of your personal information. They can only share what YOU put on there!

But I'm not telling you guys what you don't already know. What's weird is that most of you don't care. Facebook collects your personal data and shares it with people who you don't know. And yet, most of you don't object.

Why?

Because you have convinced yourself that you would rather have Facebook, than to have your own privacy.

A Stanford MBA named Roy Raymond wants to buy his wife some lingerie but he's too embarrassed to shop for it at a department store. He comes up with an idea for a high end place that doesn't make you feel like a pervert. He gets a $40,000 bank loan, borrows another $40,000 from his in-laws, opens a store, and calls it Victoria's Secret. Makes a half million dollars his first year. He starts a catalog, opens three more stores and after five years he sells the company to Leslie Wexner and the Limited for four million dollars. Happy ending, right? Except two years later, the company's worth 500 million dollars and Roy Raymond jumps off the Golden Gate Bridge. Poor guy just wanted to buy his wife a pair of thigh-highs. - Sean Parker (Justin Timberlake)

Where do I stand on Facebook? I liked it at first, but the novelty has worn off. I only post jokes and I'm only on the site for about 10 minutes a week. I "friended" a lot of people from my past, but most of these old acquaintances were never my friends in the first place.

And I never post anything personal on Facebook. Because really, who gives a shit? Nobody cares if I hate my job. Nobody cares if I hate my girlfriend. We don't care about other people's personal problems. We only care about our personal problems. 

And if there's a form of social media that I'm really addicted to, it's Twitter. At first glance, most people would assume that Facebook and Twitter are two sides of the same coin.

And they would be wrong.

On Twitter, you can follow anybody who interests you (from celebrities, to journalists, to politicians). And you don't get annoying invites to play Farmville and Mafia Wars.

George Packer of the New Yorker famously said that Twitter is crack for information addicts.

He's right. Twitter is the best news-breaking platform on the planet. But here's something that most people who criticize Twitter fail to realize.

There's a 100% chance that you will have more in common with the strangers who follow you on Twitter, than you will with the friends who follow you on Facebook. 

Facebook is for the people you went to high school with. Twitter is for the people you wished you went to high school with.

Someone once referred to Facebook as ego masturbation. I couldn't help but laugh. I mean, let's be honest. Facebook has devalued the art of true friendship. Friendship is picking up a phone. It's not leaving a wall post on somebody's profile page.

And Facebook reveals some very unflattering things about ourselves. We need constant attention, and Facebook is the digital equivalent of standing at the end of a diving board while screaming "LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME!"

If you're thinking of signing up, understand that in order to do so, you must be willing to put up with narcissism, nefarious apps, and creepy ads that are suspiciously tailored to your "likes."

So, what are you waiting for? Go ahead and sign up! Stand on that diving board. Look down at everyone below you and scream "LOOK AT ME! LOOK AT ME!" 

And jump.

But don't be surprised when you find out that Facebook is more shallow than a kiddie pool.

(For more of my irrelevant humor, follow me on twitter: @KeithSmooth)

It Sucks To Work In An Office

I worked in an office for 6 years. My last job was as a financial aid officer for the criminally expensive private school known as DeVry University. I used to wake up at 6 in the morning, be out of the house by 7, and then spend the next hour trapped on the hellish I-285, which is the freeway that encircles Atlanta. As I pulled into the parking lot, I would sit in my car for a couple of minutes and daydream that I was somewhere else, somewhere far from this daily satanic ritual known as “work.” But then my boss would pull up beside me, honk her horn, and glance down at her watch as if to say, “It’s 8:30. Why aren’t you at your cubicle???”

God, I hated that place.

I recently re-watched the cult classic Office Space. For some reason, when this movie came out 12 years ago, it tanked at the box office. Maybe Americans were too distracted by Y2K and the dot-com crash, but this movie is required viewing for anybody who works or have worked in an office. So in the spirit of this movie (one of my all-time favorite comedies), here’s a taste of all the crap I had to put up with during my sickening 6 years working in a cubicle.

Before I start, I should issue a disclaimer:

This blog post is based on true events and therefore may induce bouts of anger and violence toward your colleagues. Corporate discretion is advised.

First off I believe there’s a conspiracy of some sort going on. Let’s take a look at these office buildings. It’s usually some random, nondescript building with a sign out front that says something like InTech, OutTech, or UpTech. I’m convinced that 75% of all Americans who work in corporate America work for some company with the word “Tech” in the company’s name. Not to get too technical, but Corporate America is one BIG technocracy populated by technicians who use complex techniques and legal technicalities to scheme citizens out of their hard-earned money.

Confused?

Read that last line again slowly.  It’ll make sense.

Once you get past the building’s exterior façade, you walk in and you’re immediately confronted with the interior façade. A place where employees act friendly on the outside but are pissed off on the inside. And why wouldn’t they be?  They are stuffed inside cubicles that, from an aerial view, make them look like rats trapped in a maze. There’s little to no sunlight coming in because the cubicals are located in the middle of the room. The only people who have windows are those privileged enough to have their own office. Their titles are supervisors, managers, or directors. Corporate politics dictates that the average person won’t get that position, and the view of the parking lot that comes with it, unless they’ve kissed so much ass that every time they sneeze, toilet paper comes out of their mouths.

Ah, there’s nothing like working in a corporate office where:

1. You’re forced to wear a nametag and company shirt.

2.  You’re forced to work overtime but (because of taxes) receive no real increase in your paycheck.

3. You’re forced to sit through boring-ass meetings.

4. You're forced to sit in a cubicle where no matter what time of the year, the A/C is constantly blasting down on you from the vent above your head to the point where your ears ache and your nose is always stuffy.

5. You’re forced to work and commingle with people who you would NEVER talk to in a million years were it not for this job.

a. Like the coworker who TALKS SO LOUD WHEN HE’S ON THE PHONE THAT IT MAKES YOU WANT TO GRAB THAT PHONE AND BEAT HIM TO DEATH WITH IT!

b. Or the coworker who sits next to you and spends half the day on the phone gossiping with various girlfriends and arguing with her babydaddy because his trifling ass forgot (yet again!) to pick their son up from daycare.

There is no place on Earth where people engage in more robotic and idiotic chatter than coworkers in a corporate office. This is what happens when people who have no identical interests whatsoever are cramped into the same detainee camp for 9 hours a day.  

For 6 years I kept hearing the same shit repeated to me ad nauseam that, by the time I left, I could guess exactly what my coworkers were going to say and when they were going to say it. To further prove my point, here’s an unlucky-13 list of my favorite dumb quotes from those miserable years:

1. When a coworker sees me wearing the same type of shirt that he’s wearing:

“Well, hahaha. I see you got the memo.”

2. My useless boss during a one-on-one meeting:

“Keith, you need to show more initiative.”

3. My useless boss later in the day after that same one-on-one:

“I think what you need to do is complete this self-evaluation.”

It’s like asking a man who is about to be hanged how thick would he like his rope.

4. When you walk into the office on a cold day and a coworker cheerily says:

“Is it cold enough for you?”

5. When you walk into the office on a hot day and that same coworker cheerily says:

“Is it hot enough for you?”

6. That same coworker on a Wednesday.

“It’s hump day! Only two more days to go!”

7. Coworker overeager to show pictures of her little child prodigy.

“Look at him playing the piano.  That’s my little angel.  He’s going to be the next Beethoven.”

CHILD PLEASE! Your 12-year-old is playing twinkle twinkle little star! Beethoven can rest easily.Your precious little William won't be replacing him anytime soon! 

8. Obnoxious coworker sneaking up behind you while you’re salivating over pictures of Rihanna on TMZ.com:

"Knock Knock! Hahahaha. Caught you! HaHaHaHa.”

I would kill him on my lunch break ... if only I knew of a place to bury the body.

9. Your boss trying his best to motivate the lifeless corpses staring glassy-eyed at him during yet another boring ass Friday meeting:

“Are we having FUN?”

Are we having fun? Allow me to quote Whitney Houston when she was on that terrible, career-killing reality show Being Bobby Brown:

 “HELL TO THE NAW!”

10. “I see you brought your lunch.  What you bring for me?”

A turd sandwich.

11. “Smile. It’s not that bad.”

HOW IN THE HELL WOULD YOU KNOW HOW BAD IT IS? 

12. “Have a good one!”

A good WHAT exactly? A good day? A good week? A good Fat Tuesday? What the hell does that even mean?

13. Annoying coworker from another department:

“So, are you busy today?’

YES! NOW LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It’s bad enough that I was trapped at this sucky job with a pile of work on my desk, trying my best not to get caught on Facebook, Youtube, Twitter, etc. But I had to deal with unintelligent people and their unintelligent chatter.  

Office workers can best be understood if you know them by their stereotypes, once again 13 is the unlucky number.

1. The know-nothing boss: also known as the manager, supervisor, or director. Is it just me or do these types of people lack basic social skills?  The only thing they’re good at is signing your timesheets and laughing at the CEO’s unfunny and (generally) offensive jokes. She/he uses words like "motivation" and spends half the day trying to look busy, and the other half walking around to everybody’s cube making sure that they’re the ones actually doing the work. You also don’t want to ask him/her to help you with ANYTHING because they really don't have a goddamn clue. 

2. The withdrawn, lazy guy: This is generally the guy who spends all day on the internet, daydreaming, and quietly wondering why his life is so depressing. He's socially inept and speaks in a defeated whisper. He does the least amount of work, the least amount of talking, the least amount of, well ... anything!

3. The Comedian: Instead of actually working, he loves to spend all day goofing around and cracking unfunny jokes.  Because he’s generally a nice guy, you resist the urge to tell him to “FUCK OFF!”

4. The Office Slut: She’s the easiest to spot. This is because the scent of her perfume is so strong that it burns your nose hairs. And let's not forget that she wears more makeup than Marie Osmond. Most of the time she's the receptionist. And she’s the easiest to bribe because, soon enough, you’re going to wander into the storage closet looking for post-it notes and . . . 

she will be in there giving a hand job to the CEO.

5. The “Little Miss Sunshine” Lady: This is the coworker who is so perky that it actually pisses you off. She’s ALWAYS smiling and when you ask her how her day is going she uses words like lovely, wonderful, and fantastic. Clearly she is deranged.

6. The Office Dork: He’s by far the smartest guy there. He knows everything about everything. The manager likes to use him as a prop, having him stand up during those Friday meetings while saying such things as: “ ... if only you guys worked as hard as so-and-so.” Of course this anti-motivational ploy enrages everybody and causes them to talk shit about the dork behind his back.

7. The Part-Timer: Usually some lady who retired a couple of years ago only to discover that:

a. Her husband (who’s also retired) is a pain in the ass.

b. Elisabeth Hasselbeck is the most annoying woman on daytime TV.

c. She lost a fortune during a trip to Vegas and now she’s broke and desperately needs the money.

So what does she do? She goes right back to the job she just retired from. The same job that she swore she would NEVER work at again in a million years!

8. The Predatory IT guy: This is the married, middle-aged guy with the bifocals, the porn mustache, and the hormones of a 13-year-old boy. He’s constantly saying highly inappropriate stuff to women (who find him absolutely creepy). He’s a sexual harassment suit waiting to happen. And when you need this bastard to fix your hard drive, he’s too busy drooling over the Office Slut, who calls him over so she can flirt with him only because she wants him to download iTunes to her computer.

9. The Office Bitch: Unbelievably rude and nasty, this firecracker is the undisputed diva of the office. She doesn’t even attempt to hide her contempt for her job (and for YOU). To nobody’s surprise she’s also eternally single because no man on Earth is willing to put up with her shit.

10.  The Worrywart: The only person afraid of the manager, this is the coworker who is constantly fearful of losing his/her job. You can’t stand to even talk to him/her because every conversation leads down the well-traveled path of him/her fidgeting over something they did or didn’t do. You want to tell him/her that the real problem is a jarring lack of self-confidence on their part, but you’re afraid that your response will be met with a burst of tears.

11. The Playa: This is the guy who’s a little too full of himself. He was the high school jock and now he thinks he’s God’s gift to the world. He comes to work looking like he just stepped out of the pages of GQ Magazine and he’s likely driving some expensive car he really can’t afford. He hits on all the women, but little does he know that his game is wack and the ladies are constantly making fun of him behind his back.

12. The Ass Kisser: This is the person who is committed to climbing the corporate ladder by any means necessary. He’s played kissy-booty so much with the manager that he gets little extra benefits like: assuming the “acting manager” role when the actual manager is out of the office (which is often) and having first dibs at requesting time off. This is the person who knows every stinking thing about the company, is exceptionally chummy with the CEO, and is the LAST person you want to be friends with.

13. The Strange One: She’s the one who has so many plants in her cubicle that it’s starting to look like a tropical rain forest in there. People are always getting sick behind whatever-the-hell type of spray she uses on those damn plants. She also suffers from obsessive-compulsive disorder which means her cube is more sterilized than an ICU. And since the office has rats in the employee lounge (they come out at night), she likes to leave cheese out for them. She also lives alone ... unless you count the 12 cats that sleep in her bed.

                    Best Boss Ever? Nah.

And if that’s not bad enough, you are constantly asked by these people to: donate money (so they can participate in a marathon), buy Girl Scout Cookies, or help plan (and PAY FOR) the manager’s surprise birthday party.  

Let me get this straight:

You want me to spend the little-bit-of-money that I make here on a surprise party for somebody who ain’t worth shit? 

HELL TO THE NAW!

And I'm definitely not eating any food that my coworkers bring from home either. I’ve seen quite a few of them walking out of the bathroom without washing their hands!

And what I really hated was when I would get into these conversations with various members of my family and we would be comparing our jobs. I had a cousin who worked in construction and he always used to say:

“Man, I don’t know why you’re complaining? I work out in the sun for 12 hours a day. When I get home, I’m exhausted. You don't work nearly as hard as I do!”

So what do I do? I turn around and start defending the sanctity of my insanity! 

“Ok, your construction job sucks too. There’s no way I could do that. And I’m not saying you don’t come home physically tired. But I come home mentally tired. And after so much stress from my job and from the people I work with, that mental stress starts to affect me physically. The next thing you know, I get headaches, anxiety attacks, high blood pressure, I start drinking to deal with the depression, and my diet is all messed up.”

I no longer work in an office and I’m quite glad I don’t. Maybe that’s why I love the movie Office Space and the sitcom, The Office. Because there's so much truth in that movie and in that show, and it serves as a constant reminder that there are millions of people out there who hate their jobs.

I remember the last time I talked to one of my ex-coworkers. She asked me, "Keith, don't you sometimes miss your old office job?"

And my answer to her was ....

"HELL TO THE NAW!"

5 Regrets Of The Dying

The thought of death doesn't put the fear in me that it probably should. But the thought of being an old man, wasting away from some terminal illness, while wishing I had lived my life to the fullest, literally scares me to death.

People grow a lot when staring down the barrel of their own mortality. I’ve seen it firsthand. From anger, to fear, to remorse, to denial, the emotional journey I’ve seen my loved ones go through is incredible.  

I can only look back and hope they were at peace when they took their last breath.

According to a recent study, those who were dying and in palliative care listed their five biggest regrets. Those five regrets are:

“I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.”

Who reading this is guilty of working in a job or a career, not because YOU wanted to, but because somebody else wanted you to, and you went along with it because you didn’t want to disappoint them? Did you ever wake up one morning and wonder how in the hell did you end up working at a dead-end job, instead of working at your dream job?

A couple of years ago I woke up one morning and suddenly realized my life had horribly gone off the rails. I was living in Atlanta and working as a financial aid rep for DeVry University. For those who don’t know, DeVry is a for-profit “university” that preys on first-generation college students who come from low-income families, seducing them with lies about how much money they’ll make after they graduate. This is a school that offers online classes to students who most deserve to be in a classroom. This is a school that has a horrific dropout and default-on-loan rate. This is a school that doesn't have an athletics department, a student life department, and does a piss-poor job of preparing students for careers in their respective fields.

And since it's mostly an online school, how exactly does the online keg party work?

Here I was, a guy of immense creativity, slogging away at an incredibly boring job, and (worst of all) deceiving these students into believing they could afford to take out massive private loans to pay for a school that costs $27,000 a year.

I didn’t trust my supervisors. My supervisors didn’t trust their supervisors. And my fellow coworkers were just as miserable as I was. By the end of my time there, I had got so fed up with DisHonesty University that I began advising prospective students to go somewhere else, preferably a community college so they won’t be, in three years, trying to find a job while stuck with $80,000 in debt from a school that’s a punchline for late night comedians.

Back when I was in college I confidently told my dad that I was going to live out my dream, which at the time was to move to New York and be a successful songwriter.

(Hey, it worked out great for Piper Perabo in Coyote Ugly!)

 

My dad was a realist who understood how the world really worked. And he told me something I would never forget.

“Very few people live out their dreams son. Those who do are very lucky.”

I didn’t understand what he meant. How does a person not live out their dream? I was 23 at the time so of course my naivete swatted away his pessimism like it was a fly buzzing around my ear.

“I ‘M 23 DAMMIT! THE WORLD IS MINE!”

Or so I thought . . .

“I wish I didn’t work so hard.”

Question: Do you wake up before the sun rises, hop in the shower, and leave the house crazy early for work just so you can avoid that godawful rush hour traffic?

Do you get to work, bust your ass while you're on the clock, and then get constantly interrupted while you're off the clock eating lunch? Do you stay at work late because you don’t wanna get caught in that godawful rush hour traffic? And do you do all of this for a job that doesn’t pay you what you’re worth, and only gives you two lousy weeks of vacation a year?

If you answered yes to these questions, then you are not alone my friend.

Thirty percent of college-educated male workers work over 50 hours a week. Forty percent of Americans get less than seven hours of sleep. And 60 percent of workers are rushed through their meals, while 33 percent of us are forced to eat our lunch at our desks.

So is it really surprising that America is littered with so many assholes?

We work ourselves to death, and then, when we’re on our deathbed, we look back and wish we hadn’t worked so hard.

We work these long, brutal hours for a variety of reasons:

White guys work so many hours because they wish to rise to the top of the corporate food chain. They want to one day be president or CEO of the company and long hours makes a great impression.

White women work so many hours because they wish to rise to the top of the corporate food chain. They want to one day be president or CEO of the company and long hours makes a great impression.

Black guys work so many hours because they need the money to buy the tricked-out Cadillac Escalade with the plasma TV, the 26-inch rims, and the sound system that’s so loud it sets off car alarms.

Black women work so many hours because they need the money to get their hair done. If I was Barack Obama I would take all the money black women spend on getting their hair done and use it to pay off our debt to China!

But there’s also another reason why America is so overworked: You guys voluntarily work long hours because you don't want to go home and deal with the moron you’re married to, and those spoiled, door-slamming, disrespectful children you brought into this world!

Just remember you hard workers: It could be worse. You could be looking for a job in a job market so bad that folks with PhDs are applying to work at Target!

“I wish I had the courage to express my feelings.”

What’s the matter? Cat got your tongue?

Well apparently it does. We don’t open up enough and tell our spouse, our boss, our friends, and our family members how we really feel. So instead, we suffer in silence. These bottled-up feelings causes stress, and stress leads to such unhealthy habits as drinking, smoking, and watching episodes of Jersey Shore.

I was pathetic. I used to never speak up for myself. In fact, I swallowed my pride so much that I gained about 10 extra pounds! But I've learned over the years to open my mouth. If I don't like something, I speak up. And I would much rather deal with people who are honest, than those who are fake. My favorite people are those who tell you exactly what’s on their minds (the proverbial “straight-shooters”). Sure, they will likely say something that will make me want to punch them in the face, but I never have to worry about whether or not they’re being honest.

In fact, I think we should all strive to be honest and express how we feel and who we truly are. If you’re gay, come out of the closet! If you’re a Republican, come out of the closet! And if you’re a gay Republican I’m personally going to drag your ass out of the closet kicking and screaming!

The point is, don’t wait until you’re knock-knock-knocking on Heaven's doors before you find the courage to say the things that are near and dear to your heart. Remember, God wants you to express yourself.

You don’t believe me? Well it’s in the Bible. In the book of Dr. Dre, Verse 1, Chapter 1 where it says, “I’m expressin’ with my full capabilities/And now I’m living in correctional facilities.”

You see, Dr. Dre so believed in the power of expressing himself that he willingly went to jail for his beliefs.

Then again, his going to jail may have had something to do with that dime bag those DEA agents found in his back pocket!

 

“I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.”

What I discovered being around my dying relatives is that they didn’t realize the true benefits of close friends until it was too late. They would tell me stories of yesteryear, and the overriding, unspoken theme of those stories was how much they missed their closest friends.

It’s real easy to lose touch with your friends. We are always so caught up in, as my mom loves to say, “our own stuff” that we lose track of our real friends, the people who’ve been there for us through thick and thin.

Think about this:

When you get the urge to rob a liquor store, a real friend will offer to drive the getaway car!

When you want to confront your cheating husband, a real friend will convince you to take your husband’s keys and etch the word CHEATER on the driver's side of his car!

When you get drunk and make out with the ugliest girl at the bar, a real friend will take a picture of you and that ugly girl and put it on Facebook!

A friendship is like a flower. You have to water it, you have to give it enough sunlight - in other words, you have to nurture it. You have to put in effort to make a friendship last.

And I haven’t been great in that department. I haven’t always been the most attentive friend and that’s something I have to work on. To tell you the truth, when I die I don’t want to be surrounded by money.

Okay. Let me rephrase that. 

When I die I don’t want to be surrounded by JUST money. I also want to be surrounded by the comfort of my closest friends.

“I wish that I had let myself be happier.”

People don’t seem to realize until the end that happiness is a choice. It’s easy to stay stuck in old patterns and habits, also known as the comfort of familiarity. Fear is powerful. It can make you pretend to others and to yourself that you’re content. Of course that’s a façade because deep down you yearn to live a life full of laughter and silliness.

If you don’t want to live a life of enjoyment, if you don’t wish to smile a smile so bright that it can illuminate a dark room, check your pulse because you might already be dead.

And this gets right to the heart of why I’ve decided to become a writer. In May of 2010 my sister died from injuries she suffered in a car accident. She was 23 and it was an incredibly bitter pill for my family to swallow.

Why oh why do the good die young?

When I was 23 I literally felt like Leonardo DiCaprio in Titanic when he yelled, “I’M KING OF THE WORLD!” You don’t think of death when you’re 23 because you think you’re immortal. So when my sister died, it crushed me.

And while I was struggling with the death of my sister, my dad died last October. He became ill the day after Labor Day. I rushed him to the hospital and he was diagnosed with a rare blood disorder called TTP. As the hours turned into days, and the days turned into weeks, his condition worsened.

He died on October 13th, five months after his baby girl died. I held his hand as he took his last breath. When he stopped breathing my mom looked at me and said, "He just passed the torch to you."

In the months since, I've struggled with that torch. I didn't know what I was supposed to do. I didn't know my purpose. Some days I just drifted aimlessly, like a piece of wood floating in a river.

On my 35th birthday earlier this year, I went to my father's grave. I told him that I was sorry I never pursued my dream of being a writer.

Last night I talked to my cousin Lisa and she told me that she doesn’t have an outlet, so she keeps all her emotions bottled in. She knew this was not a healthy thing, and she really wished she had a way to let all of her inner frustrations out.

And that’s when it hit me. I want to be a writer for a reason. It's because I have a unique voice and an entertaining style of writing.

Yeah, I have aspirations of being a famous writer (who doesn’t?). I want to write for a famous publication. I want to put out books. I want to write material for comedians. In fact a joke I used to say was that 50 Cent put out an album called Get Rich Or Die Trying, and I’m going to put out a book called Get Published Or Die Trying.

And think about it, how cool would it be if I did make it? How many famous black writers are out there? I can’t even tell you who the most famous black writer in America is because I honestly don’t know. My friend Towanda believes I have a good chance to make it because I have, and this is a direct quote, “a Caucasian sense of humor”.

Number one, I had no idea only white folks were allowed to have wit. Then again, if you think about it, you can’t spell the word “white” without w.i.t. (hmm . . .)

And number two, I grew up watching The Golden Girls, Friends, and Seinfeld, I've carefully studied the crazy writings of Dave Barry, and five of my favorite comedians are Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert, George Carlin, Louis C.K., and Bill Maher.

So really, what did you expect?

I remember a question my mom asked my dad just hours after my sister passed away:

“Do you think she was happy?”

My dad couldn’t answer that question. And it got me to thinking, “if I died tomorrow, would I have lived a happy life? Or would I have lived a sad life full of regrets?”

I don’t want to live a sad life filled with regrets. And that’s why I promise to be the best damn writer I can possibly be. That's why I promise to use this gift as a way to not only make you laugh, but to make you think.

My journey into the world of humor writing begins today, and I'm bringing with me my two favorite weapons: my dad's old-school wisdom and my Caucasian sense of humor.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life.

I am a writer because writing gives me the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

I am a writer because, even though writing is hard work, it’s emotionally satisfying.

I am a writer because writing gives me the courage to express my feelings.

I am a writer because writing gives me the opportunity to make new friends.

And finally, I am a writer because writing allows me to be happy.

I encourage you all to do the things that make you happy, to pursue it with everything you've got, and to build beautiful friendships along the way.